Deployed

Wow, so its over. The deed is done, and the love of my life is airport bound. Our day started at 5am we had to get the kids up and ready plus our showers to pick up two of his friends and all their gear by 6. Thankfully everything went smoothly and we were where we needed to be by 6:30. Then we just hung around and enjoyed our last hour before we had to say our goodbyes as the soldiers got into formation. The ceremony was short and sweet. I am hoping that the welcome home ceremony is just as short, but I have a long time before I get to worry about that. I was so surprised with myself I really kept it together during the ceremony and even during the phone calls that I had to make afterword. I am one of the most emotional people you will ever come across. (Just ask my Mom she will confirm it, she always told me she had never experienced a child as emotional as I was.) There was no huge breakdown or scene made but don't doubt the fact that watching my husband board onto the bus was the hardest thing I have ever done. Not running after him and begging him to stay took so much self control, more then I thought I would ever possess. As he loaded the bus and took his seat I raised each of the kids up to his window (not an easy task with two 50lb boys) so they could hold his hand and say goodbye one final time, and then the bus began to pull away and it was over; or really it has just begun. 

In the days leading up to today I was filled with so many different emotions, so many of which I am still having a hard time expressing. I always write KS a going away letter and I just couldn't get the pen to write for some reason. The words just weren't coming out the way I wanted them too; so the letter went out unfinished and jumbled with a mess of random thoughts. Not the way I wanted to send him off but at the time it was just the best I could do. I even forgot to give it to him at the last minute. There they all were in formation and I have to have Kiale run it out there to him after the Army Song had run its course and they are fixing to load onto the bus. He just gave me his usual look that is normally accompanied by some comment about how "smart" I am... although this time all I got was the look. At least it got to him even if it was late and not written as well as I would have liked.

Well, day one is officially over. We can mark a day off the calendar and look forward to their being one less day of this deployment to go through. I let the kids stay home from school today for a "mental health" day. I figured after just seeing their Daddy leave they would need a day to just chill out and relax. We ended up coming home and having breakfast followed by everyone taking a three hour nap between eleven and two pm. After we got up the kids and I had to make a PX run to get some poster board for their 100 day celebrations at school. It ended up taking the entire afternoon for them to create their poster boards and get caught up on the past two days worth of homework since I didn't make them do their homework yesterday. Kiale actually had one of the read and response worksheets to do, I was pretty proud he did fairly well for his first one. He kept getting frustrated that he had to reread the paragraphs constantly to find the answers though. I keep telling him the more he practices the better he is going to get, but he just doesn't have the patience for it. He wants to be good at it now not later. Thankfully we were able to talk to KS multiple times throughout the day today and even tonight. He was able to tell the kids goodnight and we were able to have a bit of a conversation before he got on his last flight. He was even able to talk to his mom, Godfather, and one of his best friends from AIT and BCT. Now begins the parts of separations that I don't like (not that there really is anything to like about them...) the nights, the weekends suck too, but I am determined to find stuff to keep us all occupied. I just cannot wait for summer to get here we will be plenty busy then; doing our usual pool every day routine.

PreDeployment, part 4

Written January 2, 2011~ This part of being a military wife is hard to say the least. I don't even think the word difficult could even begin to describe the feelings and emotions that are surrounding my husband and myself right now. We are down to just a few short weeks before this deployment begins and it is hard to even describe what I am feeling. Today for instance I woke up and it was the first thing that I thought of. These days are the hardest. Its like I have this clock in the back of my mind that is a fixture in my peripheral vision. It isn't your normal everyday clock that is ticking away the minutes of the day, but it is a clock that is ticking down. Taking time away from us and it is constantly making its presence known. Every sweet moment between my kids and their daddy and even in the night when my husband and I have just finished making love the clock chimes and reminds me that the day is gone and that this is one last time that I will be able to hold my love for the next year or even see him wrestle with the boys or snuggle with our Grace. This is usually when the tears begin to fall and when the sadness sets in. This is when I feel the most vulnerable and the most transparent. It always hits me the hardest after sex, I don't know if it is just the emotion and hormones that are released that brings all of the sadness of pre-deployment to the forefront of my mind to the point where I cannot block it out or what, but as soon as we are through the tears start to fall. It isn't every time we have sex but I think by the time these next few weeks are over and done with it will end up being every time.

Later on the 2nd~ Going about my day to day things no one could even guess that we are facing deployment. Unless you were to come into our house and see the bags and bags of Army gear packed and ready to be shipped overseas. We are not acting different and whatever emotion we are feeling is safely tucked away during any away time. Even when we are home and just doing our normal every day things it is as if this deployment is just a word and a thing we have to go through. We do not dwell on it and we do not even really discuss it. It is just there the big elephant in the room that at this point in time is staying silent in its corner just waiting and watching for when the ball finally decides to drop and become a permanent fixture in our household. The kids know and have known for quite some time. I was discussing it with the boys today while KS was at work (it is easier for me to talk about it when he isn't here) I was reiterating the fact that KS will be gone for a year, he will miss holidays, birthdays, plays, and anything else of significance trying to make sure that the boys understand what is going on and Colin flat out said the only thing he understands is that KS will be gone. I guess for a five year old that is all I can expect and really all that he needs to understand. They all know that KS loves them and wants to be here but he has to go and fight a fight to insure that people and families just like us are kept safe, and that parents can tuck their kids into bed at night without having to worry about terrible things happening. The next part will be to remind the kids day after day that KS loves them dearly and that he wants to be home but at this point in time he needs to be over there helping to protect everything that this country stands for.

PreDeployment, part 3

January

*Time A- Well we told the last of our family today, well the family we are telling at least. Hopefully everyone will keep their mouths shut and not spread the news around until after he is out of the country. Everyone took the news well and I swear some people could care less, although I think they never really cared about KS anyway. Not that it matters its just more annoying to me then anything else.
 

*Time B- KS is on night shift and I found myself just staring at his picture on my computer. It is going to be so hard not seeing his face around here anymore. Sure we will have pictures, but that is nothing compared to the living breathing version that I love so much. I am going to be bored out of my mind with no one to pick on me and drive me crazy. I know I have the kids, but that just isn't the same. I cant play fight and wrestle with them the way KS and I do on a regular basis, who am I gone to spar with? Its going to be a long hard year without my husband and love here.

*Time C- Went to bed before KS last night, which is nothing new. I swear the man must be part owl, but as I laid down without him an overwhelming feeling of loneliness swept over me. It was a feeling I have never experienced to that depth before, but I guess it is one that I will grow accustomed to feeling very soon. Every time I think about how close we are to his departure date I feel like I just got the wind knocked out of me. Literally my stomach lurches and I loose my breath for a couple of seconds, not to mention the tears that I fight back if I let the thought linger in my head for more then 30 seconds.

*Time D- Well it finally hit Colin last night. KS was repacking all of the bags that have been taking up my dinning room for the past month and Colin asked him where he was going. We explained where and when again and Colin just ran up the stairs crying. I guess it finally hit him when we said KS was leaving in a week for a year.

*Time E- It is so close now, and I feel like the walls are literally closing in on me. I haven't had a total breakdown yet, but it is coming. It is getting harder and harder to fight them off and my stomach feels like it has found a new permanent home in my throat. I don't want him to see me cry, and I don't want him to see the hole that is forming within me, but it is going to happen. Hopefully I can make it through these next couple of days and I can let the emotions of the past three months take over and I can loose it alone. Without him  going through the pain of seeing me in the condition I know I will be in.

*Time F- Totally lost it this morning, you know the cry. The ugly one where you are hyperventilating and shaking so bad you can barely stand. Yea, that was me first thing this morning. Mornings are the hardest for me now that we are so close. By 11 o'clock I was fine, but before that I was a mess... in fact I don't think mess accurately describes it.  Just a little over 48 hours now. God give us the strength to get through these next couple of days. I will need it and so will the kids. There is no amount of preparing that we can do to really get prepared for this. It is what it is, and it is hard.

*Time G-  Less then 18 hours now... I am just ready to get the goodbyes over with and start marking the days off until I see him again. I think both of us are very much ready to begin this journey. 

PreDeployment, part 2

December

*Dec 1st, I hate to see it be December, because I know that January is right around the corner and so few days of January will be spent together... I just hope we can make it though Christmas without letting the cat out of the bag so to speak.... It is so hard having so much I want to talk about and share through this blog and not being able to sucks.

*Dec 27nd, woke up crying this morning. KS will only be gone on a 5 day hunting trip and it is already affecting me. It just made everything that is going to happen within the next month seem so real. I guess it was a wake up call so to speak. I have decided one thing, we are going to be staying BUSY during the length of this deployment. The first thing I need to do after the new year is find out what sports I can get the boys into and if the indoor swimming pool is opened back up again so the kids can restart their swimming lessons. Not to mention I STILL have to get all three of them setup with CYS so I can take advantage of those 16 free daycare hours per kid once this deployment actually begins.

*Dec 31st, The kids Daddy Dolls came in!! I cannot for KS to give them to them. We are waiting until the day he leaves. It will be their present to make the day go a little easier. I even got the recordable inserts for them, I hope they love them.

PreDeployment, part 1

 November

 *Nov 2nd, By the time this posts he will already be gone and we will have officially started the Big D; our first deployment. Right now its November, 2nd to be exact and the word deployment is still leaving a sour taste in my mouth. I think it should considering I have only had 24 hours to really let it sink in that he is going to be gone for a year. When he comes home I will soon turn 27, Kiale will be 8 and a half, Colin will be soon to turn 7, and our precious Cayleigh-Grace will be 3 and a half years old. We will have spent our entire 10th year together and 70% of our 8th year of marriage apart. Welcome to the Army folks! Right now I am  handling the news better then I imagined I would. Probably because I knew what was coming and I had prepared myself to say goodbye to him before Christmas even got here, so January feels like a blessing to me right now. With two months to go before this giant year long roller coaster begins I am feeling confident, proud, and scared out of my wits. Confident, because I know that he will do great over there and because I know I can handle things back home. Proud, because of what my husband is doing; helping to protect our family, friends, and our country's way of life. Scared... yea that is an understatement, what if someone breaks a bone on my watch or what if the unthinkable happens... or what if we drift apart instead of becoming closer through the distance and time. All of the what ifs are a waste of time even thinking about at this point. I am confident that we will become closer and that everyone will be okay once this year comes to a close, even if someone breaks something along the way. If you wouldn't mind keeping the 5 of us in your prayers, and hopefully this year will pass quickly and uneventfully.

*Nov 5th, I just woke up. KS is at PT and all I can think about is him being gone for a year. KS is fixing to hit his 1 year anniversary with the Army in just a couple of weeks and I was laying in bed thinking about all that has happened within this past year.... it just makes being able to wrap my head around him missing from our lives for that same amount of time unfathomable. I just cant wrap my head around it... We still haven't told the kids yet, I don't think either of us are ready for it to be quite that final.

*Nov 12th, We told the kids and KS's Mom last night. She took the news better then I had expected, but we both think she lost it on the way home. The kids just don't get it, they have no idea whats coming. I think it has been too long since KS was away at BCT and they don't remember what it was like to be away from him with no contact for so long. I was really hoping to be able to prepare them for this but its obvious now that they are still too young and cannot grasp the concept of a year away from their Daddy.

*Nov 14th, I asked Kiale why he wasn't upset that KS was leaving for so long. He said "Its so far away I'm not going to worry about it right now. I will be sad when it gets closer and when he is gone." That is so my son, glad to know at least one of the kids has adopted my way of thinking.

*Nov  27th, lost it at the hunting club tonight. Our buddy Scott was ragging on me for pouting, I just couldn't help it. It is so hard not telling any of our family and friends what is going on. No one except for our parents, and our sisters know about this deployment... I have a feeling it is going to hit the rest of my family like a ton of bricks when they find out, and I know for sure certain people are going to be livid with us for not telling them but we had no real choice. So, if this is how you are finding out sorry.

The Day that Seems to Make all the Others Disappear

Versatile Blogger Award

Thank you so much to Bonnie over at The Sometimes Single Mom for presenting us with our 2nd award!! Bonnie has a beautiful blog, go check her out and give her some love while you are there!!! She is a fellow Military Spouse, so in love with her soldier and her family, and she always has something great to share!

Versatile~ changing or fluctuating readily; embracing a variety of subjects, fields, or skills; also : turning with ease from one thing to another; having many uses or applications (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary).

As military spouses being versatile is the key to survival!! We have to be ready for change, and adapt to it quickly and happily, in order to offer the perfect balance and sanity for our soldiers and our families. While our blog has received the award, and it is versatile, having 6 different authors with 6 different lives and ways and styles of writing...each of us is versatile, too!

SO...

There are some rules to this award:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award

2. Share seven things about you

3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs

4. Let your nominees know about the award!

About Us:

1. We formed our special bond while our husbands were in Basic Training in November 2009. This relationship has shared tears, laughter, DRAMA (although not amongst ourselves), collaboration on a sewing project, late nights chatting, and being kicked out (repeatedly) of FaceBook Messages because we had so much to say to each other! And we haven't even known each other for a full year!!
2. One of us LOVES to play video games with her husband, especially Splinter Cell, it's one of her faves!!!
3. One of us is head~over~heels in love with coffee!! Hot or cold, morning or night, it doesn't matter!
4. One of us has lived in 4 different places before she was 5 years old!!
5. One of us woke up to contractions at 3:30 in the morning for 2 out of 3 of her kids. The 3rd's induction began at 3:15 pm.
6. One of us will be experiencing her first PCS in Germany!
7. One of us is very short, legally a midget!

We are presenting this award to:

1. In Every Good Love Letter There's a Soldier and His Girl
2. A Lot O' Curls and A High & Tight
3. In Love With A Soldier
4. Jesstagirl and Her Officer
5. Me, Him and the Army
6. Mr, Mrs, & Little Miss
7. Musings of an Army Wife
8. Our Little Slice of Army Life
9. Daddy's Duty
10. New Girl on Post
11. Riding the Roller Coaster
12. The Ever-Changing Life of a Military Wife
13. This American Wife
14. The Annoyed Army Wife
15. ...And the Adventure Continues

Make sure you go check out each one of these incredibly VERSATILE blogs, each one written by a fellow military spouse!!! Give them some love while you're there!