Follow the yellow brick road...to where? Who knows!

I feel like every decision I make is suppose to be the right thing to do, but it always seems to put me one step behind or cause some sort of frustration. At one end I have an amazing life….at another it doesn’t seem so amazing right now. Curt is gone with the National Guard and has been gone almost for 6 months now. Everybody wants to tell me what they think I should do. Everyone has their own opinion about what I’m doing. No one has once asked me what I want to do or if I’m happy. I’m so sick of it. I have given and given and given to these people. I pay for food for everyone, Curt used to drive everyone around, we opened up our house for others and never once did anyone do anything nice for us or helped us out. We did it out of the goodness of our hearts, but we aren’t millionaires and money doesn’t just grow on trees for us either. They can’t even pick up after themselves. I know it’s my house and I’m the one that’s supposed to clean it, but no one ever helps me by putting their dishes in the sink or picking up their clothes or anything. They aren’t my kids and this isn’t their house, what makes them think that they can do this. I feel so used. Not one person goes out of their way for me. So what if I want to go to bed at 10 pm, or if I want to have some time to myself during the week, I have to work 40 hours a week and then I’m gone on the weekends. Everyone says I should stay home on the weekends, but how do you do that when the love of your life is only 2 hours away and you really don’t have any other reason to stay home except for me to be selfish and do things I want to do. Doesn’t make sense to me.

It seems like I’m in a whole different world. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m 23 living a 30 year olds life and have responsibilities that the others in my life don’t have. I go to bed at night wondering if we are ever going to get out of the hole we are in. I know we brought a lot of this on ourselves. We are the ones that wanted to get married young, we are the ones that wanted a house, we are the ones that wanted newer vehicles, I’m the one that wanted to go to school but couldn’t ask my parents for money to help, and we are the ones that were determined to do it ourselves. But in the end we’ve paid the price for all of this. We’ve had a lot of hard times over the past 2 years, but we just keep on going and learn from it. We just have to make some sacrifices now. I can’t take it back and I don't want to take it back, but my so-called friends just don’t even help. My generation is the biggest most selfish generation I have ever come across. It’s only gonna get worse after us. Our parents gave us everything. All they wanted to do was give us the best, but they’ve raised monsters. People who think they deserve everything. We don’t deserve anything. We are lucky to have the finer things in life. We are lucky to be able to drive a car or have a house with your own bedroom so you can have privacy.

I’ve learned a lot about life since Curt left back in November. I learned that I have no control over anything that is going to happen, so my goal in life is 1.) Serve God with everything I do. 2.) Be the best wife I can to my husband 3.) Just make decisions that are right based on what God has taught us. I’ve met better friends through the army than I have at home. These girls actually get it. They understand the stress and effect of being a grown-up. I just wish I could find some friends like that around here. I am gonna be an outcast from others because of this until I find a new church and make new friends that have the same morals as me. I just don’t think people understand. I’ve let one too many people use me and abuse cuz I will do anything and everything I can for someone else no matter how many times you've screwed me over. I take pride that I can do that, because now a days there aren’t many people that can. I love doing things to make someone else’s day happier. What good are you if you ruin everyone else’s day, cause drama, and can’t touch anyone else’s life. It’s the little things in life that do matter and it can change someones world just by smiling at them or just by saying thank you for something little or by listening to a story they are proud to tell.

I’m not strong enough to be in bad situations and choose the right thing to do, so I just stay away from them. I just feel lonely. I’m not lost because I know exactly what I’m doing. I just hope it’s the right thing. It keeps tugging on my heart to let these people in my life that I thought were so called "friends" go and move on, but it’s scary to feel like you’re gonna be lonely. I know I will always have Curt, but I would love to find someone else that will be around even when Curt is doing other stuff. These people add no value to my life. They never once have supported me in what I was doing. Never once have done anything nice for me. They just use us and it hurts my relationship with Curt. Who knows…I just know that if I do what I’m taught and feel is right then I’ve done my part and I just have to sit back and enjoy the ride until God does his part and they meet somewhere.

I’m sorry to be so depressing…I’ve just had a lot on my mind and no one to share it with that will take a step back from their life and actually just listen. I don’t know what I would do without these girls that I met while Curt was at BCT. They are amazing and it seems like I’ve known them forever and there is just a special bond that can’t be put into words…

I'm actually happy with where I am in my life. I'm just sad that all the ones I thought were my friends aren't here to share it with me. Friends come and go especially at my age right now and I know God will open up a new door soon. It's just a matter of knowing what you're doing is the right thing.